191. Tresha Manta-Ray Cobb

Tresha, as her many influential friends call her, is on the up-and-up. Star of the roaringly successful reality series “Oblivious Bints” Twatler fave Tresh is not only supremely funny and drop-dead-stab-me-in-the-eye-if-only-I-could-feel-it-with-all-this-botox gorgeous, but also an absolute darling! After leaving the series 3 episodes in, she moved to fronting it’s sister show on itv4 where she spent 90 minutes each night calling all it’s remaining participants sluts before having a coke fit and throwing up on Alex Zane (Lucky her!)

Daughter of the devine Kahlua Cobb and the devilishly handsome bespoke sock magnate Dresden Manta-Ray, Tresha divides her time between her jewellery range (due 2016) and her bi-monthly 300 word “Who’s rah & Who’s blah” article in society bible “Cock”. How does she fit it all in?

10. Morgan Stanley Junior

  Morgan’s early life is a matter of mystery. There is no record of a father or mother, and he has no recollection of his life before the age of five, when he seemingly materialised in a tuxedo in the international securities division of Morgan Stanley’s Canary Wharf office. Adopted by the bank, he developed fast. Though he has no human language except the words ‘buy’, ‘sell’ and ‘kill’, at the age of thirty he is considered a finance genius. “Guy’s a phenomenon,” said Lloyd Blankfein of rivals Goldman Sachs. “If you cut him, he bleeds currency data. No, literally – we have a guy go in there at night with a syringe and a hard-drive. This is God’s work.”

Morgan lives in a minimalist platinum mott-and-bailey castle in Hertfordshire, with his Chinese wife Gang-Bang and their twin daughters Monopoly and Mergia. In his rare leisure time, he enjoys poker, polo, and hovering over Walsall in his helicopter, pointing at the town and laughing.

48. Voluptua waite-conchusy

Bubbly Promotions girl Voluptua is often seen on the F1 circuit, and is well known for her exclusive Yacht parties in Monaco where guests drink champagne from Rhino horn goblets. A voracious appetite for Handbags and Chihuahuas, she married the two obsessions by designing a range of handbags for use as portable kennels to combine fashion and function.
She has adopted children from 5 continents and lovingly placed them in boarding schools throughout the world, earning her nickname as the ”Angelina Jolie of Belgravia” She totally refutes rumours that her father and his chums smeared the children with jam and traipsed them around the golf course remaining 10 yards away at all times to keep the flies away from the players.

215. Juxley Tarbo-Tarbo-Tarbo, 4th Duke of Wetting

Juxley, or ‘Aunty Quiff’ for no reason whatsoever, is one-third of the nude barbershop quartet, ‘Cunt Heirs’ ‘AQ’ created a stir at Henley last season by flogging his butler in full view of the royal party, whilst wearing an Eton boater (AQ went to Harrow!).

It’s worth noting that the 3rd Duke of Wetting is none other than AQ’s teddy bear, Minxy, a UN Security Council special advisor.

302. Sir Sebastien Ferrers-Ferrers

Intrepid explorer ‘Ferret’ – frequently cutting a dash wearing skis and bespoke goggles – is a legendary, nay, godlike figure in darkest London. He has been known to wander Hackney, Tower Hamlets and the lost continent of East Ham, greeting the near-naked primitive types with a cheery “Hallo!”, bestowing bonhomie and superior culture where’er he goes. The natives often flock about him and examine his wallet, money belt and Cartier wristwatch with slack-jawed wonder – good show, Sir Seb! Oh dear, he appears to have been consumed…Requiescat in pace, Ferret.

7. Vuvuzela Quoad

Nine going on forty, precocious Vuvuzela Quoad is the talk of Holborn’s legal circles. In 2008 she successfully sued her mother, cushion consultant Organdy Quoad, for libel, after she discussed her daughter’s bed-wetting on Mumsnet. Though she was advised by her father, showbiz barrister Reuters Quoad, Vuvuzela’s own performance in court wowed onlookers. The turning-point came when she wet herself under cross-examination, then burst into tears: thus the legal prodigy was able to powerfully demonstrate the humiliation she felt as a result of her exposure. The jury (which included a black man!), ruled in her favour, and Organdy Quoad described herself as ‘incredibly proud’, as she was led away to prison.

Last year, with some help from her parents, Vuvuzela launched her own law firm, Quoad, Quoad, Yellow Bear and Quoad, focussing on the international libel market. All cases have thus far been adjourned due to Vuvuzela urinating in court.

315. Cyril Forthworthington-Bentley-Fapp

Previously owned and reared by Sir Nigel Forthworthington-Bentley-Fapp, Cyril is the Earl & Countess of Wessex’s former prize racing pig. Now increasingly slovenly and decrepit, famously once clambering onto the table at Chancellery House, defecating into the lap of Prince Henrick of Denmark before trying to hump one of Gabriella Windsor’s greatly alarmed Jack Russell Terriers, Nigel was sectioned, and so Cyril passed to the Wessexes.

A popular presence at parties and public outings, Cyril was a hoot at the Polo clubs, where he’d sit grandly on the sidelines snorting loudly and indiscriminately, making him virtually indistinguishable from the other spectators. He was banned from all Polo functions in 2009 after Marcus DeMarcus-Hoyte’s son Kerouac (No 402: AN ABSOLUTE RIOT!) forced him to drink half a bottle of Bolly and cellotaped a kitten to his head in the style of a deerstalker. Everyone agree’d the prank was bash! But it did sadly result in £400,000 worth of damages and the forcible termination of 8 horses.

He LOVES Downton, hates rabbits and has is own dedicated twitter page with over 3,000 followers. Corking! Or should we say Porking? (LOL)

19. Charles Delevingne

Owns great swags of property around Brompton Cross and has the finest office in town, known for its long lunches. Absurdly handsome and sunshiney, the only thing that can get him in a bad mood is foreign aid. Loves pretty girls, any first-growth wine and lots of laughter. Wears his lime-green Versace suit whenever the dress code allows.

22. Montegue Baahd-Cummedowne

Full disclosure here: we at Twatler are 100% smitten with the almost painfully peachy Monty B-C (‘Bummer’ to his friends).

Okay, so he may not be the Brain of Brompton Road… while his father Prissy was Emeritus Professor of Pure Mathematics at All Souls, Bhaaad-Cummedowne fils dropped out of Farm Management Studies at Rutherglen after being reprimanded for milking a pig. His stated interests are limited to ‘mash-up’, ‘moshing’, and ‘vomming in people’s sleeping bags (MAXIMUM LOLLAGE!)’.

But who needs little grey cells when you’ve got huge blue eyes, ironic Victorian whiskers framing a smile at once innocent and puckish, and a sartorial sense that sees you attend James Corden’s garden party in hajib and cricket pads, with Cameron and Osborne tatto’d on your bare buttocks? Bummer, we are yours whenever you want us.

71. Frederick “Frothy” Wellesley-Strutt.

Frothy owns the party/events company of the moment and has modelled for Burberry, appeared in several films including Harry Potter and owns the rights for the entire back catalogue of Chaka Demus and Pliers. Aged 23 he’s famed for his two year long gap year and almost founding a charity. He’s one of the most eligible bachelors in Kensington and this ken-singleton’s flirting is almost as legendary as the parties he hosts for the young social elite.